How is prison life for being someone’s bitch?

By | May 10, 2022

Initially, I wasn’t planning on even touching this question. Especially since so many people on Prison Talk already know my story. But seeing the other guys open up about their experiences, kind of inspired me to throw in my own two cents.

I want to start off by saying this first, I see all the time guys who say that this is a straight up myth and it just simply doesn’t happen anymore, or my favorite asinine argument that goes something like this, “Well Ive never seen anything like this during my incarceration, therefore it doesn’t exist”. Let me assure you, IT EXISTS! Every prison is different, get over it already. Something else I often hear that if it does happen these days, that its 100% consensual, and that if I let something like that happen to me, I must have subconsciously wanted it and that I must have been gay all along, but I just didnt know it. This is ABSOLUTE NONSENSE. When did everyone become a Psychologist? I dont think they realize just how silly they sound trying to tell someone whom they never met before(me), and whom they dont know from a can of paint, about their sexual orientation.

Now lets get to the question at hand. I’d just like to say that I am answering this from my own perspective and my own experience(and to a lesser extent, a couple of other guys who I seen in similar situations). Im answering this from the perspective of a heterosexual male, who had never touched another man before his incarceration.

So, what is life like for a guy who’s been turned out? Well in a nutshell, for a lack of a better term its pretty FUCKED UP. Ill be going over the pros and cons(no pun intended) of making the decision to surrender your independence to another man during your incarceration. Im gonna give you the unadulterated version of what its really like.

CON: LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE

You lose your independence as a person, as a man. You belong to someone else now, you are basically their property. You lose all control over your own body. You will eat, sleep, have sex and even go to the bathroom when you’re told. Aside from sexual favors, you will also have other duties. Your old man will expect you to keep your cell clean, make his coffee, do his laundry and wash his socks and draws in the sink. We all have them days when we’re just not feeling too well. When you wake up and you just feel shitty from the jump, and you dont even feel like getting out of bed. Well guess what, TOO BAD. You still have to get up, get yourself together and to perform all your duties as a “bitch”.

CON: GETTING USED TO THE SEX PHYSICALLY

WARNING: This might be a little too explicit for some people, so you might wanna stop reading now, if this kind of shit grosses you out.

Believe it or not this particular part(physical) was not as hard for me as getting used to some of the other aspects of it all.

Lets start with Fellatio. Who the hell could have ever thought that it can be so damn complicated. Fellas, we’ve all been there, you’re getting some good brain from your significant other. Doesn’t look too difficult at all, does it? Well guess what, its a hell of a lot more complex than it seems. Needless to say it did not come naturally to me. The first thing that dumbfounded me was just how hard it is to keep your mouth open so wide for more than a couple of seconds. Everyone is built differently, so maybe its easier for some people, but it wasnt for me. I remember thinking to myself,, how the fuck do women make it look so easy?? It used to make my jaw bone and my temples hurt. And you better not let him feel no teeth either. My first few times felt very unnatural. It felt strange, very awkward, humiliating as well. Im just glad he was patient with me. Eventually I got the hang of it by thinking back on the times when I used to get some really good head, and I just copied the techniques I could recall. So the next time your woman is going down on you, try to be a little more appreciative. Trust me, its a lot of work that goes into it.

On to the anal. Now I was fortunate enough to have a celly who actually went out of his way to be as gentle as possible when he was breaking me in. Especially considering the fact that I didnt just bend over and give it up easy the first time. I cant even imagine what it would have felt like to get it rough. Nonetheless, I dont care what anyone one else tells you about receiving, the first few times(and in my case way more than a few), its going to hurt. How much, that will vary from person to person. Like I said, we’re all built different. Those first few times, I cant really say that I was in some kind of excruciating pain, it wasn’t as bad as that. The way I would describe it is a very, very uncomfortable feeling, that you just want to come to an end as soon as possible. I remember absolutely dreading those last few minutes before lights out, because I knew I was about to get penetrated soon, and that it was not gonna feel pleasant. I used to do my best to try to take it in silence, or at least keep my moaning down to a minimum, so that no one could hear us through the vents. I was so ashamed, I didnt want anyone else to know what was going on in our cell after lights out,(as if everyone didnt already know anyway). I also remember feeling an overwhelming sense of relief on those 2–3 nights a week when he was either not in the mood, or just too tired to have sex. It was definitely a cause for celebration. I knew that at least for that particular night, I can go to sleep in peace and not have to worry about it. It took me a while to adjust. But eventually, you do get used to it though. So it does get easier. Myself, I went through different stages with it. It went from feeling awful in the beginning, to somewhat tolerable, to almost not feeling anything at all (just hoping he would hurry up and nut already, so I could go to sleep). Then it just kind of progressed from there. In case you’re wondering, YES, it does start to actually feel good after a while. But Ill get into that later on. Its also very important to find some kind of lubricant you can use, it is an absolute must. We used either Vaseline or baby oil.

CON: LEARNING TO EXCEPT YOUR ROLE/STATUS AS A “PUNK” MENTALLY

Now this one was the scariest, most difficult period for me to handle during my entire stretch. You have to understand, Ive never thought of myself as being submissive, soft or weak or anything like that. When I was growing up, I wasn’t exactly an alpha male(whatever the fuck that even means these days), but I never hesitated to throw hands with someone if I felt disrespected. So having a bigger, stronger man impose his will on me like that, let just say it was a very humbling experience. When reality about my situation finally started to sink in, I became even more shook and depressed than I already was. I also developed severe insomnia. Pretty hard to sleep when you constantly have a million thoughts racing through your head. I just could not comprehend how this behavior can be so normalized and excepted by everyone else around me. As I began to realize more and more that there is no silver lining here, and that no one was gonna come and save me, my whole world came crashing down. Never in my life have I felt so alone as I did at that time. You feel like you are completely alone in the world, and that not only is nobody gonna stand with you or stand up for you, you actually feel like everyone else is against you and that the whole world is out to get you. It is a horrible, empty feeling. You start to see the world for the cold, dark place that it really is. After some weeks passed I became jaded and bitter. I was bitter toward the the C.O.s and the rest of the prison staff for allowing this to happen. Bitter toward the rest of the inmates for not standing up for me(as if it was any of their responsibilities to do that, of course it was not). I was bitter toward the whole fucking system, and society as a whole, for turning a blind eye on shit like this. I would be walking back to our cell from either talking a shower or doing laundry, and I just remember wanting to SCREAM OUT in pain. Scream out for someones help and compassion, but of course I dont. I just keep it together, holding it all in, walking with my head down looking at the floor, as I continue to endure the mental anguish and humiliation in complete silence. Everyone knew that I was spoken for, so most guys would just look past me as if I didnt even exist, and that was fine by me. That just meant I didnt have to worry about anyone fucking with me. But once in a while I would catch a random guys glance in my direction, and I would see genuine compassion in their eyes. It was like they were communicating with me without saying a word. It would literally be just a split second glance, but I knew exactly what they were thinking. Something along the lines of “ Damn bro, I honestly feel for you, I really do. Wish I could help you out, but I cant. Every man has to stand up for himself in here”. And you know something, they were totally right. The responsibility for your own well being in prison, ultimately falls upon YOURSELF, and nobody else. I delegated that responsibility to my cellmate when I got turned out, therefore I had to do what I was told.

CON: QUESTIONING YOUR SEXUALITY

Like I said before, I dont care who you are or how tough you think you might be. If you keep taking it in the ass long enough, theres a pretty good chance its going to eventually start to feel good. Its not anything that you can control, just a reaction that your body has. And if it does feel good, you will not be able to except that fact at first. If you do, later on you might feel guilty. This is something I definitely struggled with. I absolutely could not except it, and was in complete denial. I could tell that my body was receiving pleasure physically, but I could not except that fact mentally. After I did except it, then came the guilt and self loathing. Figuratively speaking, I was constantly beating myself up over it. I used to think to myself, how can I possibly be turning into a fruit, if I miss being with a woman so much. The two were simply incompatible to me. Until one day I just said fuck it. Its amazing what you can adapt to once you just stop giving a shit.

CON: FORCED FEMINIZATION

Ok so this is kind of a touchy subject for me. There is a high probability that whatever guy you end up hooking up with, is not going to consider himself a homosexual or anything even close to that. Chances are he will consider himself straight, and will most likely have a woman(or even two) waiting for him on the outside. So that means he’s going to pressure and lean on you, and expect for you take on some feminine mannerisms and maybe even some subtle changes in appearance. No Im not talking about a guy wearing a skirt and lip gloss, like you see in them corny, stupid ass comedy movies about prison. Although you do actually see stuff similar to that with some trans people inside. But they’re not being forced, so its different. Anyway you might have to start doing stuff like shaving your legs and arm pits, or any other body hair you might have. Also growing your hair out and eventually getting it braided. You might be forced to except clothes that are way too small for your size, with pants so damn tight they almost reach up to your knees, or a skimpy ass shirt tied in a knot so your navel is exposed. Oh, and just so I dont have to answer this question later on, yes, I did have to take on just some of these small changes in appearance myself too. And Id rather just leave it at that. I hope everyone understands. This is something I am very self conscious about, so Id really rather not delve into it any deeper than that. I thank you in advance for respecting my privacy.

PRO: PERSONAL SAFETY

Now this is the biggest advantage when it comes to the pros. Basically, this is what its all about. Protection is the most important aspect of this whole arrangement. Once it is known that you are spoken for, it means that other than your old man, no one else can touch you, or they’ll have to answer to him. This means that you no longer have to worry about becoming a victim of rape, robbery, assault, extortion, intimidation or anything else of that nature. If someone does dare to lay a hand on you, your old man is expected to handle the situation immediately, and handle it with force.

PRO: DOING YOUR TIME IN RELATIVE COMFORT

So if you’re able to get passed the initial shock and degradation of being turned out, there are some perks that come with it. As I have stated in my earlier posts, I rarely if ever ate that slop that they call food in there. Most of the food I ate came from commissary. And I dont mean snacks or sweets, Im talking about REAL food(protein such as fish, all kind of lunch meats, etc..). Between that and the multi-vitamins and fiber, nutritionally speaking, I was very well taken care of. Also, if you’re battling some kind of an addiction, you’re old man might be able to get you your fix and keep you comfortable. My celly was actually involved in some of the distribution of marijuana in there, so that meant I pretty much got to smoke whenever I wanted. This however came a little bit later on, after I settled in and excepted my fate. I also had as many cigs as I wanted, that had a huge calming effect on me. We used to pop molly together on the regular. Made me feel pretty damn good, although a little antsy sometimes with no where to go. I wasnt in the habit of just leaving our cell for no reason.

PRO: COMPANIONSHIP

Again, if you are able to get passed those first few stressful, hectic weeks and months, and you’re able to settle in and get used to the arrangement, you might just come to appreciate having someone you can actually talk to, and share things about yourself that no one else in there would understand. But this is not gonna work for everyone, and is going to be largely dependent on what kind of person your old man is. I absolutely resented my celly in the beginning, for everything he did to me. But after a while, I stopped acting like some sore ass loser and we began to communicate. To my unexpected surprise, I come to find out that he actually was NOT just some musclebound goon with a IQ of 80. Turns out he was indeed a pretty well versed guy. Believe it or not he finished two years of college on a football scholarship. Now thats a hell of a lot more schooling than I ever had. Sometimes we would stay up for like half the night just talking, sharing all types of personal shit about each other. Outside of the sexual relations you’re having, its very important to have a good rapport with your old man. It makes your time go by so much smoother. And when the cell door is closed and its just the two of you in there, you get to see another side of him, other than the Thug-Gorilla that everyone else gets to see. You actually begin to feel some sense of normality. You start to remember that civilization does still indeed exist, and that there’s a whole big world out there, outside of them walls. And in no time at all you’ll be going back to that world, back to your old life. And you can leave all this insanity behind you forever.

So there you have it. As you can see, the cons heavily outweigh the pros. So, this is definitely not an arrangement I would recommend to ANYONE, unless it was truly a last case scenario. I dont care if you happen to be gay/submissive, like to be bossed around and told what to do or anything like that. I noticed there are some guys on here that like to fetishize this sort of thing, saying how they wish they could’ve been in my shoes, please, JUST STOP IT. I can assure you that whatever fetish/fantasy role play shit you might have in you head, it has absolutely nothing to do with reality. This shit is for keeps.

CONCLUSION: LONG LASTING/PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE

As some of you heard me say before, I am a changed person and that I can never go back to being the same man I was before my incarceration. Well its a lot deeper than that. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, nor did I have a sweet upbringing. Ive seen and experienced some really fucked up things in my life, way before I ever got locked up. Nevertheless, I consider the pre-incarceration period of my life as my innocence stage. Hardly ever does a day go by in which I dont think back on what happened to me at least once. Im still noticing certain changes in myself to this day, and Ive been out for almost 3 years now. I also have a bunch of new fears and paranoias that are completely irrational and dont really make a whole lot of sense. For one thing I noticed Im much more passive now. Im not sure how much of that is just maturity, and how much of it is because of my experience in lock up. But Ive had a couple of situation when some small fry is talking shit for no reason, and I know for a fact that I can stomp his ass out easily, yet I do nothing. Dont get me wrong, Im not just gonna let someone put their hands on me. But other than that, I try to avoid trouble at all cost. Im a very nonconfrontational person now. If for nothing else than to avoid catching another case. I honestly dont think I have it in me to do another stretch in the pen. I also dont like being around large crowds(even before covid), just makes me feel unnerved. Ive developed a tendency of not being able to look people in the eyes for too long, I tend to look down on the floor every couple of seconds. I feel like if I stare into someones eyes for just a second too long, they’ll be able to see through me, right down into my soul, see my deep shame, and will instantly figure out my prison story and start to make fun of me. The only exception to this fear is my girlfriend, I can stare into her eyes all day long. No matter where I go and what I do, I constantly feel like I have some kind of weight hanging over me, BAGGAGE. I can be at a get together of some kind, surrounded by the people I love, family and friends, and all of the sudden Ill start getting real nervous and paranoid. I begin to believe that any second now they are all somehow, someway gonna find out about what happened to me, and will be shocked, appalled and disgusted, and Ill be cast out forever. I know, its absolutely insane. But this is how my mind works now. It gets deeper than that though. Aside from worrying about what other people might think, I actually look at myself now as being tainted somehow. I feel like Ive been tampered with, damaged goods if you will. I feel like something has been taken from me, and no matter what I do with the rest of my life, I can never get it back. Ive developed a serious distrust for men, and I mean almost all men(my family and friends excluded of course). When I come across a dude, I look at them as automatically being suspect, until proven otherwise. I see them as being shady for some reason, or trying to con me or take advantage somehow. Again, no rational to it what so ever. Now on the flip side of that, my appreciation, respect and admiration for opposite sex had been on another level since coming home. I think Im slowly turning into some kind of a male feminist or something. Syke no, lol, Im just playing. But seriously tho, as Ive said many times before, I tend to look at women in general in a whole new light now. Sometimes I feel inadequate as man. And no, I dont mean in the bedroom. Im actually doing pretty damn good in that department. Im a better lover now, than Ive ever been, now thats a fact. And my libido is through the roof. But what I mean by inadequate is well……to me, the number one duty and mission of a man, is first and foremost to defend and protect his woman( and children,if he has any. Which we dont). Its just that sometimes self doubt sets in and I wonder what would happen, if a situation occurred where I had to defend her. Would I be able to get the job done. Ive lost my confidence when it come to stuff that. It weighs on my mind sometimes, because I honestly value her well being much more than I do my own.

But anyway enough of the doom and gloom. I hope I didnt ruin any body’s mood with all that depressing shit. I dont want to over sell it, my life is not that bad at all. Although everything I said is 100% true, and its something that I have to live with everyday. I dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, that was not the purpose of all this. I wanted to educate people on what something like this really feels like. So that the next time some idiot makes yet another stupid dont drop the soap joke, the proper thing to do is not to laugh. Truth be told, I like my life right now. It could’ve always turned out a lot worse. At least I have my health. Im fit as hell, I run 3–4 miles a couple of times a week just as a warm up. Most days my mood is pretty upbeat. Most of the time I can still have fun just like I used to before. Hanging out with my boys and cousins, drinking a couple of brews while watching the Eagles play on Sunday. Or just chillin back, having a few laughs while shooting pool. Makes me instantly forget all my troubles.

But now Id like to mention the biggest reason I was able to keep my sanity, the ultimate silver lining in my life. Im of course talking about my better half, my boo. She’s my rock, my whole foundation. Had she not stood by me during and after my incarceration, I honestly believe I would not be here right now. I simply cant imagine trying to get back into the dating pool after everything Ive been through, with all the baggage I have. What can I say, I feel blessed. Im so in love that its euphoric. A man doesn’t fall in love with a woman’s body, you fall in love with her essence, her soul. I understand that now. When ever Im feeling down, I can always switch my mood for the better by just thinking about her. Of course our sex life is amazing, but the connection we have is so far beyond anything of the sexual realm that I dont even know how to put it into words. I look at what we have with each other as much more than just a traditional relationship(one man,one woman). I see us as two human beings in love, one of whom just happens to be male and the other female. A true partnership of equals. To me she stands out from the rest, my own personal angel, left unsoiled by this wretched, crooked ass world. I like taking care and pampering her as much as I can, tho she tells me all the time not to fuss over her. But I just cant help it. I can spoon for hours, firmly holding and caressing her. Gently kissing the back of her neck and shoulders, while softly whispering in her ear, telling her how beautiful she is and how much I cherish her. Sometimes she lays on my chest and we just hold each other. I like being able to feel her breathing, feeling every breath she takes. I can literally feel her positive energy rubbing off on me, and it makes me feel whole again.

Anyway, Its time to wrap this up. This answer has been way longer than what I initially planned on. But that can happen sometimes when you’re speaking from the heart. Everything just kind of starts flowing. If you managed to get this far, I thank you for reading it. Peace.

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